Changing Shapes

I don't know how I have managed it, but I have put on 20 lbs and there seems to be no end in sight. I just don't seem to have the will power I once had. I have never been a "skinny" girl, but lately I would say I have slipped over into the obese category. I can't stand this about myself, and I am sickened every time I see myself in the mirror or put on clothes. To make matters worse, I know that the weight is affecting my health. I am borderline diabetic. I just don't know what it is going to take to shake me out of this. I start a new diet every Monday. Why can't I just get over it? I know that I use food in many ways. I eat when I am stressed (lots of stress lately). I eat to celebrate. I eat when I am not hungry. I eat because I like the taste. I just disgust myself. I am sorry that this post is such a downer. I just need to vent. Do normal (ie. not fat) people have these problems with food? How do you handle it?

Marriage 101

As I mentioned in my last post I have been married 20 years, well almost 20. I have been with my husband for over 25 years, and we have known each other our entire lives. You would think that this would make marriage easy for us, but you would be wrong.

Marriage is not easy. I suppose that anything that is really worth it is not easy. I just wish sometimes it wasn't so difficult. Our biggest problem is that we are so very different. It is hard for me to think of anything we have in common other than our children and the fact that we grew up together. We have different likes and opinions. When I was young and naive I thought this would add spice to our marriage, but I have come to realize that it doesn't. Now that the kids have come along, it just makes things worse.

For the most part I am OK with our marriage. Happy even. But on other days, like yesterday, I am not so happy and think about what it would be like if we were not married. I know that all the experts say you shouldn't stay together just for the kids, but having come from a broken home myself, I do not want to subject my kids to that. I KNOW that things would be worse for them so divorce is not an option.

I really don't know how we got here. We were happy once, but lately it seems everything is a fight. Of course our friends would never know. To them we look like the perfect family. Does that even exist? Is this such a thing? I use to think so, but now I am not so sure. It seems that my friends and colleagues do not have the fairy tale marriage either. Maybe I am just hanging out the the wrong crowd. My husband keeps telling me that we are better than most. Maybe he is right. I guess time will tell.

Searching for Balance

I turned 40 this year. Despite all I had thought 40 would be, I have found that it is NOT what I thought. I thought by the time I turned 40 I would have life figured out. I thought by the time I turned 40 I would have discovered my purpose. I thought by the time I turned 40 I would feel like a grown up. I thought .... I am sure you get it. I feel so lost. I do not know where my life is going. Right now my life is so chaotic. I feel like I am lost in my work because that is all I seem to do. I do not have time for friends, nor do I have time for myself. I am lucky to squeeze in a few minutes for my family. I feel guilty because there is not enough time for my kids. I am sure that I am not the only one who is looking for balance. I just feel like I should be doing things differently. I don't want to become 60 and realize that the choices I made when I was 40 were the wrong ones. I don't know if this makes sense or not. All I know is that I feel lost and sometimes hopeless. Is there a magical age when I will feel like I finally get it? When will I grow up and find balance in my life and how will I do this? I just don't know.